So the other day, I was mulling around some beauty shop with my mom, and I noticed the guy behind the register was trying to speak to us, but kinda failing, a mix of barely incoherent English with Korean words thrown in. So I thought, hey, what the heck, let me at least say thank you to the guy in Korean when he gives us our change. Which I did.

I swear, the guy almost choked on his saliva.

All I could think of, when I saw his expression was, please don’t have a heart-attack, please don’t have a heart-attack, please close your mouth, the flies are getting in, please don’t have a heart-attack. I mumbled a goodbye, in English of course, and practically dragged my mom out of the store. Poor guy, may he never receive such a shock again.

Which brings us to things foreigners do that surprise the hell out of the Japanese, courtesy of    世論 What Japan Thinks.

I’m not a big fan of polls per se (politcal polls tend to be a load of poo), but a lot of the ones at What Japan Thinks make me feel as if I’m getting a genuine slice of what the typical Japanese person believes. Plus the results make me laugh. A lot.

Introducing Exhibit A:

Q: What behaviour by foreigners in Japan surprises you? (Sample size=1,072)

#1: Writing Difficult Kanji: Oh, yeah, I definitely see where this one is going. I automatically fail at this, since I can never remember to write even the most basic of basic kanji half the time. Except for 憂鬱 (ゆううつ), which for some reason I remember–a terribly complicated pair of kanji, meaning melancholy, depression. My suggestion? Start impressing your Japanese friends by writing long notes about your own depression bordering on suicide.

#2: Bowing on the Telephone: Nothing to say about this action, except that it’s high level on the Japanese-ness scale makes shivers of pleasure run up my spine.

#3: Eating Natto: 

Mm, yummilicious.

I’ll eat it, but I can’t make any promises that I won’t throw it back up. Violently. In a pool of fizzing hot bile.

#9: Using Japanese Era Dates, Not Western Calendar:

Friend: So, like, in Shouwa 53, there was like a huge boom in the economy and stuff, like…

Me: Wait, wait, wait, 53 what? 

#10: Singing Enka, Folk Songs: Again, very Japanese, but I think Jero already toe this one up. Not "tore", toe. Somehow, it is now acceptable to sing Japanese folk songs while sporting a du-rag. Claiming you have a Japanese grandparent who taught you the joys of enka when you were a child? Lowers the shock effect by 1/3.

#11: Parting crowds with "Sumimasen" and the one-handed chop: If I saw a foreigner doing this, I’d laugh. Whistles are better, and more demanding.

#12: Sitting "seiza": I can SO do this. For about 45 seconds. Then my legs go numb and my bladder gets all "wonky".

#13: After bath, drinking fruity milk with one hand on hip: "What the hell?"

Strawberry milk = added shock value.

AND FINALLY, 

#20: Queueing Properly: Because nothing pisses the Japanese off more than foreigners who can’t understand the common courtesy of the queue system at train stations. Reading the pr0n section of the newspaper or pissing in the middle of the street? Who cares. Standing wherever you damned feel like on the platform? Punishable by death.

Remember now, Red area, waiting for the next train. Green area, waiting for the train after that. Simple, right? 

Feel free to follow these mannerisms on the path to surpassing all other foreigners. Now is the time to become a foreigner with SHOCK VALUE and balls.